Posted February 04, 2014

This Column Reads Like a Checklist of Cliched Peyton Manning Criticisms

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Super Bowl XLVIII - Seattle Seahawks v Denver Broncos

There’s going to be a lot of tedious musings on Peyton Manning’s legacy floating around today, but few will offer the sheer brazen trolling of one entitled, “Peyton Manning should have retired … Saturday.” Get out your “hack column about Peyton Manning” checklist — this one’s a doozy.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.net“Omaha” 

I remember watching Peyton Manning play quarterback in practice at the University of Tennessee. It seems like almost two decades ago, and — holy Omaha! — it was.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netLikes to point.

He was young, wandering around behind the line of scrimmage, yelling and pointing like somebody who had dropped the pages to his term paper.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netCouldn’t beat Florida at UT.

Such as, back in college, why did you always throw those interceptions against Florida?

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netFewer rings than Eli, a comparison based solely on the two of them playing the same position and being related.

Speaking of which, why does your little brother, New York Giants quarterback Eli, have two Super Bowl rings and you have only one?

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netFewer rings than QBs he would have had fewer rings than regardless of yesterday.

Now you’re 1-2 in Super Bowls in which you’ve played. Is that like Joe Montana, Terry Bradshaw or Tom Brady?

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netOnly has one more Super Bowl victory than 99.99% of human population.

No, it’s only one victory more than Vince Ferragamo, David Woodley and Rex Grossman.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netAbuse of small sample sizes.

At the half, the man who threw for NFL records of 5,477 yards and 55 touchdowns during the regular season had 104 yards passing with two interceptions. Somehow, his passer rating was only 46.3.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netOld. 

Of course, Manning can’t run. But shouldn’t he be more than a statue? Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson spun free from the pocket many times and extended plays that were dead. That’s what a 25-year-old athlete can do that a 37-year-old veteran can’t.

Black Check Mark from AnimateIt.netRepeat the headline for the kicker

Sorry, Peyton. You could have retired Saturday.

You should have.

Rick Telander doesn’t have much of a defense here. The suggestion that Manning should have retired the day before the Super Bowl, as knowingly absurd as it is, doesn’t qualify as a tongue-in-cheek statement when it’s delivered like this, wrapped in a hacky column about the quarterback’s failings.

There’s a good template here, though, for the writers who will inevitably want to put out the exact same bad article: 1) Take the unused “not a winner” column you had written in case Manning had lost Super Bowl XLI, 2) Insert Eli Manning references, 3) Insert game recap from yesterday to feign currency, 4) Wrap it in a trolling conceit to attract Broncos fans.

[Chicago Sun-Times]

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