Monsters Loose in Tuscaloosa
The better-known monster last night was Alabama’s offense, which throttled 10th-ranked LSU in the second, scoring 21 unanswered points en route to a 38-17 home victory. The other notable monster appeared after LSU scored a touchdown late in first half, and it raises questions of taxonomy: Is it a velociraptor? A drunk zombie? A tyrannosaurus rex? An angry cat? After spending a solid half hour considering the theories, and after reviewing some 3-D animation, I’m convinced that it’s a drunk T-Rex and nothing more.
Saturday’s SEC showdown also witnessed Les Miles picking his ear, of course, and a goal-line fumble by LSU fullback J.C. Copeland on what looked like a walk-in touchdown. LSU quarterback Zach Mettenberger even had his arms up celebrating the should-be score. The fumble looked eerily similar to (as always, I’m sorry, Cleveland) Ernest Byner’s The Fumble.
Verne Lundquist knows Katherine Webb Is Hot, But Won’t Say So
Verne Lundquist was uncharacteristically mute when CBS cameras showed AJ McCarron‘s girlfriend Katherine Webb, prompting booth partner Gary Danielson to say, “That’ all your gonna say?” Lundquist replied,“You’re darn right. I don’t work for that four-letter network. Discretion.” Do you smell that, Brent Musberger? It’s Verne’s righteousness.
Elsewhere in College Football
Drunk Tarzan camped out by ABC’s cameras at FSU’s beat-down of Wake Forest, chanting out of rhythm with other Seminoles fans … Virginia Tech upset No. 14 Miami 42-24 thanks to several special teams miscues by the Canes … UCLA freshman linebacker Myles Jack flipped sides for the Bruins and carried the ball six times for 120 yards, including a 66-yard TD run … Florida lost to Vanderbilt at the Swamp for the first time since 1945—but on the bright side, not a lot of Florida fans actually saw it.
Anthony Davis Getting Hazed?
A bizarre video has surfaced of Kentucky-era Anthony Davis laying naked, face down on the floor, getting spanked by at least one teammate in the Wildcats locker room (clearly NSFW). The origin of video appears to be a Twitter user who supports Louisville and doesn’t care much for UK athletics.
Celtics Buzzer Beat the Heat
Down 108-110 with 0.6 seconds remaining in the game, Gerald Wallace rainbowed an inbounds pass to the opposite corner, where Jeff Green caught it and heaved it over LeBron’s outstretched arm. The shot went in, Green fell into Miami’s stands, and then the Heat milled around in disbelief as the referees confirmed that the ridiculous shot was good. … Elsewhere in the NBA: With just 0.6 left on the clock in Cleveland (hey, Cleveland!), Kyrie Irving sunk a double-clutch lay-up in double overtime to give the Cavs a two-point lead that would hold up in a 127-125 win over the Sixers.
Cheerleader of the Week
Colorado junior Veda Magagna gets this week’s Cheerleader of the Week honors. She’s a member of CU’s Buffs Dance Team, which on Saturday faced the daunting challenge of raising the spirits of Colorado football fans who were witnessing Washington’s 59-7 drubbing of the Buffaloes. Even so, it’s hard to keep Veda from smiling. Some more about her:
Worst habit: “When I’m cooking things in the kitchen I always accidentally leave the cabinets open after getting something out. By the time I finish, every single cabinet will be open and I have to run around and close them all before my roommates see.”
Favorite people to follow on Twitter: “@CuteEmergency and of course @CUBuffsDance. If you don’t follow them already, you are missing out on some extremely cute animals (mostly puppies!) and equally cute dancers from CU.”
My friends would be surprised to know that I: “Went through a teen-angst, punk phase in high school. I even had bleached-blonde highlights and went to screamo concerts.”
Favorite professional sports team: “The Denver Broncos! I’ve been a fan ever since I’ve moved to Colorado. I also accept all bandwagon fans now that we have Manning.”
Incognito to Speak-o
Instead of preparing for a game this week, embattled Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito sat down for an interview with FOX Sports’ Jay Glazer (alongside one fern), which will air on FOX NFL Sunday at 12 pm ET.
When the Jonathan Martin-Richie Incognito bullying story began unfolding, Incognito said only that he was going “ride out the storm.” Will Incognito now go on the offensive and deny the bullying charges to try to repair his reputation? Or will he take a softer approach and display sensitivity in pursuit of the same ends? We know for sure that his answers will refuel the debate about locker room culture and conduct. Before tuning in, check out Lawrence Taylor’s comments to the to the Daily News about locker rooms. Quote: “They are texting each other like two women. I don’t understand that.”
What-bird football, you ask? Eastern Michigan head football coach Ron English was fired on Friday for a lengthy, profane locker room tirade. To paraphrase: English basically called his guys quitter, bitches, and idiots that lack self-respect. At one point English said, “I haven’t been around players where so many go bad, so s***bird. I mean this is s***bird football! It’s bad.” SB Nation transcribed the audio, which is well worth a listen, particularly if you like hearing coaches take verbal dumps on a group of young men.
Arian Foster Is Out For the Season
Ian Rapaport reports that Foster will undergo surgery to repair a problem with a bulging disc in his back, ending his 2013 campaign and piling more misery on the 2-6 Houston Texans. This should also send Arian Foster stock into a tailspin.
Confidence remains high despite a disappointing loss last week on the Cowboys and Panthers, which proved Rule #3 of NFL wagering: Never, ever trust an NFC East team. That’s why this week I’m going against the Cowboys, who are a 6-point dog in their road game against the Saints today. Cowboys-turned-Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan has improved the Saints D, particularly the secondary, and I just can’t see Dallas’s 31st ranked passing defense containing Brees. We’re teasing that beauty with the Jaguars’ opponents: The Titans, a 13-point favorite at home, bringing them to 7 points. Why? Because Tennessee is actually pretty good, Locker is healthy again, Shonne Green has returned, and mostly because … Jaguars. So that’s Saints PK and Titans -7. Giddy up!
Sure, Hop In
“What happens when your bus breaks down?” Tweeted U.S. Women’s Soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo on Saturday. “Just catch a ride from our dedicated fans!” Solo, Abby Wambach, Alex Morgan and the rest of the team hitched rides with fans back to their hotel Saturday afternoon after the team bus broke down following a practice at the Citrus Bowl in preparation for their match Sunday against Brazil. Fans were both surprised and elated to have the company of their heroes for the 20 minute ride. P.S. That Alex Morgan link leads to her swimsuit gallery.
Odds and Ends
Russian astronauts took the Sochi Olympics torch on a spacewalk … How is this push-up even possible?! … Brandon McCarthy ditched his beard for a half-cop, half-creepy mustache … Miss Venezuela is Miss Universe … 43-year-old Dan Henderson got dropped with a head kick by Vitor Belfort early in the first round of the UFC Fight Night 32 headliner.
Earl Thomas Gives Free Safety Advice
In our latest “Funniest People in Sports” video, the Seahawks Pro Bowl safety doles out safety advice to Seattle pedestrians from behind a Charlie Brown-esque help booth.
Trick Play Video of the Day
I’m partly mad that it worked, but points for creativity.
You’re Gonna Need a Stronger Rim