A Rough Draft of Tim Thomas’ First Facebook Post as a Florida Panther
Wanting to avoid past controversy surrounding his Facebook page, Tim Thomas sent me the following post to proofread.
As you’ve no doubt heard already from the Liberal Media, I have in fact signed with the Florida Panthers. I will explain my reasons for doing so here, so I am do not Feel Compelled to do so in The Future.
I had one prerequisite for my next NHL team, consistent with my Love of Freedom: team colors must include red, white, and blue. The Florida Panthers and Washington Capitals both met my requirements. Not wanting to enter the Belly of the Beast, however, I exercised my right as a Free Citizen and quickly dispatched a 12-page, carefully capitalized letter to Capitals GM George McPhee, saying that I would not be sucked into the Washington Establishment. The Capitals returned with a voicemail to my agent claiming, “We are not interested in Tim’s services this time,” a Clever Dodge fed to them by the Obama Administration.
Florida will offer me everything I could have wanted. My pay will not be taxed, ensuring my salary will not be funding the Washington Machine or the Russian Machine. Also, thanks to their 175 Florida locations, I will be able to maintain the Chik-Fil-A diet I began last year without having the chicken flown to me daily. My new jersey even features the Color of Gold, the only currency worth using, and a color I’ve never before worn with red, white, and blue. I won’t even need a permit to carry a sword in public.
Additionally, the Panthers have a great young goalie named Jacob Markstrom on their team. I have no interest in mentoring a 6’6″ commie from Sweden on how to be a Free Citizen in net. I do know from my Boston days, however, that victories are even sweeter when you can turn to your bench and see a disappointed young back-up, frustrated and eager to replace you.
I leave you with This Quote: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Or that Dale Tallon do something. –George Washington
I told him there’s an umlaut in Markström, but otherwise it looked good.