Posted December 13, 2013

Casting Call: Guest Spots We’d Like To See

If Hines Ward is a zombie, can Tom Brady be a Mad Man?

Entertainment, Lists, TV
Photo illustration (Wireimages/AMC)

Photo illustration (Wireimages/AMC)

The Steelers failed to make the NFL playoffs, but former Pittsburgh icon Hines Ward still generated news in the run-up to the Super Bowl, telling the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that he’ll be a zombie extra when AMC’s The Walking Dead returns Feb. 10.

This makes perfect sense. Ward and former Dead cast member IronE Singleton played football together at Georgia, so Ward had an easy in; Ward made a cameo in The Dark Knight Rises, but needs to grow his Hollywood résumé; and Ward once topped SI’s “dirtiest player” poll, which means he’s an experienced flesh-seeking vehicle of destruction.

Naturally, this nugget got us at Extra Mustard thinking: Which other players or coaches belong on the small screen? We channeled our inner casting director and came up with 10 ideal (and totally imaginary) guest spots for active sports figures.

Spoiler warning: Hypothetical scenarios include some actual plot points.

1. Tom Brady on Mad Men

Teetering on the brink of a complete existential break, Don Draper locks eyes with a lonely blonde at a bar. But just as Don is about to compromise his newfound moral code, Chadwick Baker (Brady) swoops in to put the moves on the broad. Don’s relief masks his jealousy — until the following morning, when Don sees a smiling Baker exit the Jaguar offices after stealing SCDP’s business. Throughout the season, Baker emerges as Don’s Madison Avenue rival: young to Don’s old, spirited to Don’s jaded, handsome to Don’s, well, handsome.

2. Nick Saban on Game of Thrones

Never entirely bound by George R. R. Martin’s cannon, the showrunners elect to turn the “War of Five Kings” into the “Showdown of Six,” introducing Dynasty Winsalot (Saban) as the long lost Lord of Lys. Fueled by the power of the red priests he renames the Crimson Cloaks, Ser Winsalot storms King’s Landing. After running down Tywin Lannister’s notorious horse with a majestic elephant, Winsalot sacks the city. In light of his long history of dethroning Tigers and Gators, he sees no reason to fear the direwolf or dragon.

3. Alex Morgan on Girls

After booting Elijah from their apartment, Hannah visits her ex’s new pad, where she meets his current roommate, Emma (Morgan). Insecure about being replaced by a Marnie clone, Hannah attempts to appear superior by bragging about her first-person online essay on trying cocaine for the first time. Emma, having just changed into mesh shorts and a sports bra for her trip to the gym, replies by showing Hannah her “most recently published” New Yorker short story. In an effort to prove she believes in herself, Hannah takes off her shirt. Again.

4. Brian Urlacher on Shameless

After alienating his last loyal progeny, Frank stumbles over to The Alibi Room to bum a beer and a bite. But when Kev, Kermit and the others shun him, Frank decides to swipe a pickled egg from new guy Bill (Urlacher), who seems too occupied arguing about the Bears’ prospects to mind his meal. Frank realizes his mistake as soon as Bill’s fist connects with the side of his face. Frank breaks his jaw; South Side tough guy Bill breaks his wrist and misses the rest of the season.

5. John Calipari on Justified

Move over Wynn Duffy, there’s a new Dixie Mafia middle man in town! After Duffy finally gets that fast bullet Raylan’s been promising, Lyle Creed (Calipari) emerges as the new thorn in our favorite Deputy’s side. While Duffy was no slouch, Creed thrives in his position of power, recruiting all of the 18-year-old talent in Harlan and Lexington to his cause. Consider the Kentucky banners that already appear in seemingly every bar scene a bonus.